Can you be a pursuer and Distancer?
A problem occurs only when a pattern of pursuing and distancing becomes entrenched. As the above illustrates, the behaviour of each partner triggers and maintains the behaviour of the other. Either partner can be a pursuer and a distancer at different times, or over different issues.
What does it mean to be a pursuer in a relationship?
Pursuers. The partner that is the pursuer tends to enjoy talking about their feelings with their partner and needs emotional closeness. When problems arise, they react quickly and emotionally. The purser often has an anxious attachment style and requires a lot of reassurance from their partner.
How do I stop Overfunctioning my relationship?
To interrupt overfunctioning, you have to be able to do a few things:
- Observe the behavior in important relationships.
- Determine how you’d actually like to behave.
- Be willing to sit with the discomfort of letting other people be responsible for themselves.
How do you fix emotional distance in a relationship?
Ten Surprising Ways to Connect With a Distant Partner
- Respect Differences. One of my favorite cartoons shows a dog and a cat in bed together.
- Don’t Take it Personally.
- Call Off the Pursuit.
- Lower Your Intensity.
- Give Him Space.
- Make a Date, Not a Diagnosis.
- Pursue your Goals, Not Your Partner.
- Try Out a New You!
What is the pursuer Distancer dynamic?
A pursuer-distancer dance follows, which intensifies the dynamic. Couples report having the same fights repeatedly. After a while, they’re no longer addressing the issue at hand and a vicious cycle of resentment, frustration, and anger develops and never gets resolved.
How does the Distancer relate to the pursuer?
In many cases, the distancer retreats and seeks out alone time when under stress, and this intensifies their partner’s need for closeness, thus their desire to pursue. The problem is that if this pattern becomes deeply entrenched, neither person gets their needs met.
When does the pursuer-Distancer dynamic persist in a second marriage?
He also warns us that if it’s not changed, the pursuer-distancer dynamic will persist into a second marriage or subsequent intimate relationships. Partners in intimate relationships tend to blame the other person when their needs are not being met. A pursuer-distancer dance follows, which intensifies the dynamic.
Why do some couples struggle with the pursuer-Distancer dance?
While all couples need autonomy and closeness, many partners struggle with the pursuer-distancer dance and feel chronically dissatisfied with their degree of intimacy. When the pattern of pursuing and distancing becomes ingrained, the behavior of one partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other.
Can a pursuer-Distancer pattern lead to divorce?
Researcher Dr. John Gottman also noted that this destructive pattern is an extremely common cause of divorce. He claims that if left unresolved, the pursuer-distancer pattern will continue into a second marriage and subsequent intimate relationships. Therapist Dr. Harriet Lerner summarizes the pattern like this.